Drugs, Deodorant and Deception
by Teddicus Lupini
Summary: Mostly Sherlock but with a few  mostly  minor Doctor Who characters.  Mostly Mrs Hudson/Anderson/ROES. Crackfic, but written as if serious.
1. Chapter 1  The drugs

10/27/2011

Mrs Hudson walked out of the toilet after snorting some pills. She found that whilst she was busy snorting, the police had broken into Sherlock's flat. She ignored them and tried to avoid contact, but unfortunately she accidentally brushed shoulders with an officer whose deodorant was _clearly_ for men. It was the smell, in fact that instantly informed her of the person's gender. Although the body shape, haircut, posture and clothes were slightly lenient in determining this, it was definitely the deodorant that proved the officer was a male.

"Sorry" he said suspiciously as he walked off, with his armpits concealed tightly. The man went upstairs with the rest of the police gang and just after he had done so, Sherlock and John came panting into the room.

"Oh Sherlock what have you done?" asked Mrs. Hudson trying to sound innocent, praying they wouldn't find the recreational drugs she'd been snorting just minutes previously. Sherlock rushed upstairs.

Sherlock asked what was going on.

"It's a drugs bust!" said Lestrade.

"They're herbal soothers, I've got a hip!" lied Mrs Hudson.

It was then that a person dressed as though they were homeless, carrying a phone in a pink case strolled into the room.

She had bloodshot eyes and swishy blonde hair.

"Did someone say drugs?" asked Roes.


	2. Chapter 2 The Roes

10/27/2011

"Who's that?" asked John.

Sherlock studied her entire appearance in a brief instant. From that, he spoke aloud his many deductions.

"You're wearing clothes made six years ago and you haven't bothered to change in all that time? The way you seem slightly tired implies you've barely had them on for say, fourteen hours..? Obviously you've passed through a compressed time stream to get here, blasting up the age of your clothes whilst doing so. I'd say you've come from a different reality whilst doing so, the brand name of the clothes you're wearing doesn't exist at all, which means that you are obviously an ex associate or assistant of my old acquaintance, The Doctor."

"Most of that is right," said Roes, "but you gone one thing wrong."

Sherlock felt the tension in the air as Sally and Anderson were ready to mock him if the mistake was as big as they hoped.

"Which was..?" asked Sherlock, keeping his cool.

"I have had these clothes on for 14 hours, but the reason they look like they haven't been washed for six years is because I can't afford to buy clothes" she said. "I liek teh drugs you see."

Lestrade sat on the sofa feeling confused.

"If you're a druggy, then why did you just barge into a drugs bust at a complete strangers house?" he asked.

"This is a drugs bust?" she asked, looking very clueless and high, "I just came cos I heard there'd be drugz." She then fell over, for no known reason onto Mrs Hudson. It was in this moment that two sets of pills fell out of Mrs Hudson's top pocket and crashed onto the floor, allowing everyone to see.

"Mrs Hudson?" John was shocked by this revelation. "You… a junkie?" he couldn't believe it.

"I couldn't keep it a secret!" she moaned.

It was in this instant that a hooded figure revealed itself in the back of the flat, as it must have been invisible up until now. It took everyone in the room by surprise and knocked them out with a fighting stick. It then dragged several unconscious bodies out of the room and into the night, leaving behind only Lestrade, Donovan and the few faceless officers.


	3. Chapter 3 The prelude to the secks

10/29/2011

Anderson awoke with only two seemingly unconnected memories in his head. The first was being knocked out by a mysteriously hooded figure in Sherlock's flat, the other was so bizarre that up until it happened regularly, he dismissed the thought as being a strange erotic dream.

He had found himself in an old part of London, he was lying restfully on the seat of an old taxi, being pulled along by two horses. Feeling dazed as he awoke, it hardly registered to him until he was conscious for twelve minutes or so that he sitting directly opposite a woman with green scaly skin. He scrambled himself into sitting upright, cowering against the opposite wall in fear of this mysterious woman.

"It's okay" she said, "I'm not going to hurt you." She explained.

Anderson was confused, but after a lengthy conversation about her past and back-story, Anderson was certain she was no threat to him.

"What I don't understand is..." began Anderson "is why you brought me here."

Madame Vastra gave him an illegally cheeky smile and responded in a naughty tone.

"You'll see" she said as she raised her scaly eyebrows before licking them with her lengthy tongue.

Anderson grinned smugly. He waited until the carriage had stopped outside their destination before allowing any sexual frustration to build up. Vastra lifted her hood and marched elegantly towards the doorway. Together the two of them entered the drawing room where Jenny was waiting.

"Oh 'ello," she said with her cockney accent, "Who's this with you, Madam?" she asked.

"This is Anderson, and it would be much preferred if we were left to be alone this evening." Vastra replied.

Jenny took the hint, but felt angry and upset at the same time. As she walked off, she began to tear up. How could Vastra go for an ordinary man she'd just met? But it was okay, she thought. She had a plan that would shake them both up for a long time. All she needed now was for them to be engaged in intercourse.

**(Author's Notes: YES, I am aware that Madame Vastra is a lesbian. I made her bisexual here because, well, I can. I just thought that her being a prehistoric reptile would appeal greatly to Anderson's sexual preference.)**


End file.
